A message to younger me from future me

You didn't deserve the hurt you carried

Yes, this is one of them cheesy self reflection posts, but one thing I've realized, is that there are probably a lot of young girls out there who, like me, had a lot on their minds, shoulders and souls. As a child, or even a teenager, we deserve to have 'normal' lives, stress free and without bearing a burden that we didn't ask for (or in fact being treated like the burden). To younger me, you didn't deserve the hurt you carried. You deserved unconditional love, and perhaps if you had that you wouldn't have been searching for it. Having to work to escape your home life shouldn't be something any teenager has to do, you shouldn't have to find distractions from the dysfunctional shit you had going on at home.

So here it goes...

Dear past me,

Learning to love yourself

This is something that you're going to keep struggling with even in the future, but perhaps if you had learnt to love yourself from a young age you wouldn't think so low of yourself now. It's not your fault though, how can you 'love' when you were never taught how to. You didn't ask to be born and I know you feel like it's now the burden you have to bare, but please take it easy on yourself. You're so used to hiding your pain through laughter and smiles, so much that you don't know what it feels like to be genuinely happy in life. You convince yourself that what you're feeling is normal, and that things could be worse.

"Shut up", that's what you're told when you try to open up about what goes on inside your mind. You were conditioned to stay silent. You were conditioned to think that nobody will ever care about what you have going on as you're a teenager so what could possibly be wrong with you. You don't pay any bills, you're selfish for having feelings of your own. Some days you just want to sink, and stay sunken. You have nothing to live for, you constantly question what the point of life is. Would anyone even care if you were gone? Is there someone out there that would miss you? I'm sorry to say it but these thoughts would follow you into adulthood because you never had the chance to heal the scabs that were picked at throughout your childhood and now they have left scars in your mind that may never heal.

You were doing the best you could

You tried your best to be a people-pleaser, and unfortunately that's a trait that will follow you into adulthood, I say it's unfortunate because a lot of people will end up taking advantage of you. You've convinced yourself that putting yourself last and other people first would make you happier, but it didn't. And now those same people that you worked hard to please aren't part of your adult life.

The love you lacked you thought you found. But that love left you with a pregnancy that would be the final straw in whatever was left within your family ties. You'll be convinced by family, friends and even medical professionals to get rid of your creation, I mean you're 17-years old, how could you be so selfish and bring life into this world when yours is falling apart. You have no place to call home, the mother than had never shown you any love, put you out. You have nothing to your name, the money that you worked endlessly to get, went into the pockets of the man your mum abandoned you for. You have nothing. You are nothing. If you keep this child, she will be born into nothing.

Here's what I know that you didn't

In 2019, you will give birth to a beautiful baby girl. You had so much uncertainty and instability during your pregnancy, and throughout your life, but you use your story to motivate yourself. You'll end up proving a lot of people wrong and end up continuing on with your education and graduating with a Bachelors degree. You'll end up getting heartbroken once more before meeting the love of your life and welcoming your second baby girl in 2024. You've been through so much, and you have more hurdles coming your way, but one thing I know is that you'll jump through every single one of them. From single motherhood, to a career driven mum, you've made it in life. No, you're still not quite where you want to be in life, you still suffer from an overwhelming sense of sadness, and you still have struggles that you should really go to therapy for, but you're surviving. You're waking up each day to two beautiful girls and a partner who thinks the world of you. Every tear you shed and rant you have, your partner is there to listen and your children are there to cuddle you and let you know that everything will be just fine. You've come to realize that you don't need to hold in your emotions, and you've taught your children that their feelings matter. You're in the process of trying to break generational cycles and although there are some traits that you have carried with you, you're trying your hardest to get rid of those traits.

Thank you for getting me here

I am a believer in the past shaping your future. So to past me, I want to thank you for keeping us going. Regardless of all the trauma we went through, you kept going and you got us to where we are today. There's still a long way to go in order to get to where we are seeking, but we have crossed a lot of bridges so far, so a few more wouldn't hurt i suppose. We've lost more than we have gained. But one day we will truly be at peace, and when we get there, it'll be all thanks to you.