Why mental health is kicking my ass

Anxiety, depression and just the genuine feeling of sadness is something that sadly, I find that most people experience (or the people around me anyways). People always tell me "well Neisha, we just gotta get on with it, no point talking about it", good for you I guess, but not me, I have to talk about it and since my blog is my outlet, let's talk about it.

It's like the world keeps spinning whilst I remain completely still

Everyday's the same

Most people enjoy routine, and when filling out job applications the mention of routines always come up, i see questions surrounding routines everywhere, but the truth is no matter how much people or employers state that everyday is a different day which brings on new challenges and responsibilities, it's a lie, well to me anyways. Everyday is the same, at first I thought wow, this is so cool, I'm an adult, this is what adults do, but as time went on I thought to myself, this can't really be my life. My life is so simple and basic, I wake up, feed the kids, get them off to school, go to work, go home and get their dinner ready, bedtime then repeat. The only differentiating thing that comes about is their choice in dinner, apart from that, everything's the same. It drives me insane sometimes, a lot of people think routine is cute and mature but waking up everyday and knowing what to expect has added to my ongoing chain of sadness.

I'm not an entrepreneur who has clients with different stories to tell, and juicy gossip to spill, I work in Insurance and seem to be the person who people complain to when things don't go their way, and I know what you're going to say "you can't complain about a role you signed up for", I'm not here to complain about my job, but I'm just saying sometimes it would be nice to be asked "hey, how's your day going", now that would be a shocking change to my daily routine.

The lies my brain keeps telling me

Buckle up now peeps, because I'm about to unpack a lot of what goes on in this 'spicy' brain of mine. I have a lot to be grateful for (or so I'm constantly reminded), I have two beautiful girls who keep me going, and I mean that in a literal sense, if it weren't for them I don't know where I would be, or if I would still even be here. A lot of mum's say "my children are my world, I don't know what I would do without them", but for most of them, life would still go on, for me, it's a struggle. Aside from my partner, I really have no one to turn to, and as an adult that scares me. I wake up everyday thinking, 'does the world really need me in it?' and that's a question that lingers in my mind during the days and nights. There are days where my brain answers this question for me, and tell's me that I would be better off gone. Who would even care, I'm a nobody in society, I am a nobody to my family, I have no friends, like at all, I am nothing. There are times where I look at myself in the mirror and think about how ugly I am, how much my body has changed since having kids, my brain even sometimes convinces me that my partner is going to leave me for someone better, prettier, with a better body shape.

The truth is, my brain lies to me a lot. As the little voice in my head speaks, my conscience reminds me that I am not a nobody. I'm literally someone's mum. I can't think about a world without myself in it because they probably can't think of a world without their mum in it. Even if you're not a mother, your conscience knows that there's a purpose for you in the world, I still haven't found mine outside of being a mother, and perhaps someone who's childless would find their purpose way before I ever do, but there is one for us all.

What I'm trying, even when it doesn't feel like enough

If you have an attention span like mine, you're probably getting bored of all the words on screen right now, so instead of endlessly ranting, let me just quickly point out what I'm trying to do differently in a world where everyday is the same.

• Build myself up - whether it be my portfolio, career or mental health, I'm trying to build it up, because the only way to improve when feeling down is by looking up (cheesy I know).

  
  

• Do the things I love - It's the reason I started this blog, It's something I have thought about for years, but i could never find the right design, I was too picky about using a template and I didn't know where to start, but I no longer care, I just want to write, and that's what I'm doing.

  
  

• Don't think just do - Before you start acting on impulse, by this I mean I'm trying to stop procrastinating as that's something I do a lot. You might be thinking "well how does this help?", well nothing depresses me more than wanting to be productive and then looking at the floor I said I was going to clean two days ago as my daughter spilled her spaghetti on the carpet. It stresses me out more waiting for the time to do something instead of just doing it, so now instead of thinking I just do it and it has improved my mental health, or at least kept me busy enough to the point I don't think about my previous state of sadness.

This isn't a pretty ending, But it's still a chapter

There's still a lot to unwind in this story I call my life. This might be a bit of a blunt ending but I've never been the one to know how to bring things to a close. I'm still on a journey and this bump in my mental health may never go away, or it may just be a chapter in my book of life, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.